Glory be, I actually posted today without succumbing to a survey cop-out post; that’s Sunday’s post though, don’t worry your little heads. Sorry for the lateness of the post (with two mere hours left of Wednesday), my mood, the crap writing et cetera et cetera. I’m not in the mood to crank out clever witticisms when the fact of the matter is I’m sitting on the couch, feeling bloaty and engorged after eating an embarassing amount of chocolate while testing a new recipe (to be posted soon!). As any other pretentious writer worth their stuff, I take pride in the twisting and turning of the bounty of the English language to suit my fancies. Tonight I simply do not possess sufficient energy for such a feat as “creativity.”
I have a case of the “fuck-its” (2:30), to channel the hilarity of voice-extraordinaire/comedian/classic SNL cast member Dana Carvey .
So on to the point of the post: Amy’s Volcano Orange Bubble soup or more commonly known as Amy’s Thai Coconut Soup “made with organic coconut milk, shiitake mushrooms, and sweet potatoes.” Sounds good, amiright? WRONG-O.
I knew something was up up when I microwaved the soup and it looked, to be disgustingly frank, like something found swirling in a toilet bowel after a night of one too many margaritas. To add on top of that lovely description, my microwave made it do this weird bubble shit that blew my mind: oconut milk no likey the microwave. Common sense told me to throw the putrid orange contents down the sink, but no, I was on a mission. Eyes turned away, I hesitantly ladled a spoonful up to my brave lips and slurped the hot glop down my throat. The things I do for you guys, I swear; you best be grateful.
I have to start out by saying it was cloyingly sweet, but not in a good way; that must have been the alleged sweet potato in action. What really puzzled me was the odd wateriness of the soup- wouldn’t the (blended, I’m assuming) potato thicken it up? But no, it was as thin as any other other veggie broth except in new orange version. Even as a diehard for all things carrot, pumpkin, sweet potato, and other beta-carotene goodness, I was genuinely creeped out. ORANGE WATER IN MY SOUP IS NO GOOD.
Doesn’t it just look like orange cat sick with some veggies thrown in? Sorry to be blunt, Amy, but the truth hurts m’dear.
The paltry amount of ingredients makes me certain there is a vegetable shortage at the Amy’s Kitchen factory. Are carrots, mushrooms, and green beans delicacies in the frozen foods industry? This soup was definitely not cheap, almost $4, so I expect a hearty soup full of veggies, dammit! Instead I find this contents of soup inards: mushy, flavorless yuck.
Without spooning up any veggies to the surface it could easily be mistaken as some sort of sad excuse for a science experiment gone awry. The veggies lurk in the darkeness, and even more frightening: clumpy beige nuggets of mock “chicken” crawl into every other spoonful, sneaky-like. If I wanted tastless bits of rubber in my soup, I’d add them myself thank you.
Picture after picture in my photo shoot led to disappointment, frustration, and, a word grossly overused in this entry, disgust. This soup simply defies delicious representation by photograph; every shot turned out worse than the previous. What’s really sad is the pictures posted I deemed “passably bad.” Surely a telling clue from the food porn gods– I should have known right then and there.
In some faraway universe, the appetizing picture on the can replaces the mess inside. Someone take me to that land, for I crave a yummy Thai soup and, while you’re at, my $4 back so I can spend it on some chocolate. Mmmmm chocolate. Mmm dinner. I’m hungry.