Road’s End Organics Dairy Free Shells & Chreese: Cheddar Style

Did you spend your formative years peaking around the kitchen corner in trepidation, faux-praying your ‘rents wouldn’t flash-glimpse the slit of your eye and forthwith beacon you to finish your untouched, congealing bowel of Kraft mac & cheese? Siiiiiigh. Although I consistently detested the radioactive, orange goop, I was forced to eat my dinner’s share until I gradually grew accustomed to its myriad sins against pasta. So while I realize many vegans would diligently test dozens of recipes (Google count: 1, 860,000) on a culinary quest for that elusive cheddary sauce, I am a happier person without it.

On the up side, Road’s End Organics Dairy Free Shells & Chreese in Cheddar Style (brevity ain’t their jang, I gander) is one boxed vegan mac & quote unquote cheese that I can get behind. Or in front of. Or to the side of. Or planked upon. (<False as I roll my eyes at such nonsense).

The long-awaited point being that this stuff doesn’t suck.

The preparation caters as much to the cookphobic as the blue box variety: boil pasta, mix sauce ingredients in pot, dump pasta back in, heat to thicken sauce. Don’t be a fat-fearing pansy and nix the suggested tablespoon of vegan butter; with Earth Balance I adopt the ancient Eastern philosophy of  WHY THE HELL NOT.

Taste-wise, the flavor is predictably nooch-based and perhaps erring on uninspired, but that didn’t stop me from consuming a lumberjack’s portion. Except I’d wager all of mi’ gold that lumberjacks are probably too vegetable-averse to add steamed carrots. Th’arr carotene-loss, I declare in pirate-speak, for the combination is sublime. And food-guilt-reducing.

The sauce was a bit gritty (as most nooch-based are cursed to be), but creamy enough to please this taster. Fat-comforting, relatively healthy, and surpisingly addictive: I ate ’till the stomach pains grievously halted my unstoppable eye-petite.

Reheated leftovers were just as appealing as freshly-made, which definitely whoops Monseur Kraft’s fluorescent keister.

I think I handed over 3ish bucks for this box at my local (overpriced) Co-op and the algebra splits nicely when yielding 3-4 servings. Take note: because I’m a committed pasta-hound who welcomes a meal-induced stomachache like an old chum, I emptied the box’s contents in 2 meals . Realistically, 3 adult-eaters could smoothly share a box laden with an add-in of tempeh or steamed vegetable.

I plan to buy all 5 varieties of Road’s End Organic pastas and host a mac & cheese tasting to rule them all. Why? In the venerable words of Ron Swanson: because I am a free American.

Amplitude Bio Loot

I become far too giddy when visiting foreign grocery stores and, if given the option, will happily meander around the aisles with the dedication of a warrior, willing to sacrifice hours, euros, and self-esteem in the noble quest of vegan yumz. This shan’t shock the tail feathers off those who’ve read my previous love letter to grocery shopping.

I was thus all too chuffed to visit central Cannes’ only health food store Amplitude Bio, which stocks a decent number of vegan essentials: tofu, soy yogurt (that kicks North American soygurt tush), seitan, grains, whole wheat breads, expensive fair-trade chocolate, and other organic blow-money products. Immediately the chocolate-centric items pulled me into their gravitational force, zinging me to and fro betwixt aisles until it pinged me toward check-out. Four products sneakily stowed away into my reusable shopping bag (from left to right): TwiBio chocolate bars, Bio Bis chocolate sandwich cookies, Chocolinette pâte à tartiner, and 5-grain Biscuits Biologiques.

Chocolinette pâte à tartiner

If I contact the makers of this wondrous chocolate hazelnut/cashew spread, prostrated low in humble deference, will they grant me access to said wunderkind spread in my home town? I burn, I pine, I perish.

Nutella comparisons are bound to be conceived, but as I recall from my hazy vegetarian memories Nutella is a whole ‘nother animal. Boasting a pronounced “nut taste” and a far less creamy viscosity, Chocolinette is assured to please tasters of the dark chocoholic variety. I’m a closet agnostic, but perhaps this faux-Nutella is proof of heaven? Heaven of the taste buds, surely.

5 Grain Biscuits Biologiques

Little is to be said about these organic crackers that boast a plethora of healthful Free’s and Without’s: sugar-free, salt-free, milk-free, without artificial flavorings, without colorants, without hydrogenated oils, and on and on with the health-mania. Confide in me, organic biscuits, has your self-worth been adequately boosted?

Upon first bite the word “cardboard” immediately swooshed around my noggin, but I have honestly never chomped upon a board to confidently advertise the semblance. I’ll instead run wild with some other pejorative adjectives: flavor-devoid, tooth-cracking stiff, chalky, and decidedly non-addictive. I propose next time marketers affix another Without to the outer box: “without reason to buy.”

However, when fully doused in Its Holiness Chocolinette, the biscuits’ lackings were swiftly overlooked. Lordy, how much I want these drool-worthy photos to magically apparate a jar or two into my gleefully outstretched fingers.

TwiBio chocolate bars

These are solid little chocolate bars more akin to the (much-so overrated) NutriGrain bars of US ubiquity. Fruit-flavored options abound, but I’m a ravenous chocolate dino through and through. Although they offer little “healthfulness” besides their whole grain exterior,  you could certainly do worse with your 2 pm nosh. I’m adamantly anti-food guilt, especially when chocolate butts into the equation. If TwiBio bars were a few centimeters longer (resisting overused sexual joke, oh I resist), I would count these as a regular snacking indulgence.

Bio Bis chocolate sandwich cookies

Put bluntly, these little chocolate cream cookies were a minor disappointment. I’m not in a mood conducive to word-frenzy so I’ll simply commend the silky dark chocolate cream and disparage the surrounding B+ vanilla cookies. As long as we’re riding the insult train, the cream:cookie ratio was severely skewed in favor of the latter: needless to say (but I will out of spite), vastly unacceptable! I resorted to prying upon a cookie and either tossing the worthless naked half indiscriminately into the trash receptacle or alternatively lapping up the prized chocolate cream all dignified-like. Still, these cookies are worth a purchase when in France if only because vegan sandwich cookies are grouped with legends of unicorns and Big Foot (“Grand Pied?”). You might dig ‘em and who am I to coddle you with my fickle food summations?

Amplitude Bio

3 Rue Léopold Bucquet
06400 Cannes, France

Product Review: Silk Pumpkin Spice Soymilk

Praise seitan, I’m officially home for Thanksgiving and I’m officially freezing my patootie off. Whilst I will always be a complainer a heart, I can’t help but admit it’s simply magical this time of year. A rainbow of burgundy and mustard on tree leaves a’changin’, plush cotton scarves to nuzzle into, snuggle time with my furry ragamuffin, the sweet crisp NorCal air in my lungs. Yah, it ain’t bad.

So first thing’s first, I went grocery shopping. Yes, fulfilling my vegan priori-teees! Whilst dodging throngs of last-minute shoppers playing bumper carts at the co-op (and in my mind’s eye wondering what the fuks I would post for MoFo), I happened upon Pumpkin Spice soymilk and you can guess the rest. Without even a momentary twinge of monetary regret into the cart it went. A chocolate chip cookie might have somehow mangled its way in there too.

I don’t think this flavor deserves a whole lot of wordage because my taste buds were screaming “NOG NOG NOG! This tastes like Nog!” I do have a sneaky suspicion the crazy Silk soymilk scientists are pulling a fast one on the vegan community in an effort to  duke us out of our holiday soymilks. The bastards.

With undertones of nutmeg and strong kick of pumpkin pie spice, this isn’t your garden variety soymilk. Scrumpdidilumptious to say the least and probably even butter in something baking-related. Not that it’s going to last long enough to get in some muffins, let’s be real. Oooh this would taste good as a muffin accompaniment though, my oh my yes.

It’s Silk-y too, if the pictures don’t speak to ya. Maybe not 1000 words, but at least 999?  Beware: lame joke territory entered with reckless abandon.

It may taste like Nog, but cha know what? I like me some Nog. My next mission: side-by-side taste comparasion all up in yo’ soymilk biznaz. Oh yah the shit’s gonna go down.

CSN Product Review: Emerilware Pro-Clad Sauce Pan

Today we bring you the CSN sauce pan review *cue deep warbling voice* IN THREEEEE DEEEEE! Okay, so it’s in plain ol’ 2-D, but this shot is just screaming for some 3-D glasses, yes? And now we end this tangent to bring you back to your scheduled blog post.

The kind folks over at CSN offered me a $40 certificate to review one of their products and I was happy to oblige. Free kitchen stuff? Yes, thank you, mhhhhmm. After wasting quite a few hours browsing my eyeballs off on the huge CSN website, I narrowed it down to this Emerilware stainless steel saucier. I have to say that after one look , I was smitten. It’s obnoxiously shiny, well designed, and clearly a high-quality product. For someone used to cooking with 3 crappy, scratched-up, scorched IKEA pots, this was the holy grail of kitchenware. Without the blood-thirsty white rabbit, of course.

See where it astutely warns, “Keep an eye on it. Heat and shatter resistant tempered glass lid for monitering cooking progress”? This is good advice for ANY pot or pan.

Let’s say, hypothetically, you accidentally left your IKEA pot’s lid on a burner that, remember, hypothetically was left on. When you’re sitting on the couch hearing imaginary popping noises, you (and of course I mean a very non-personal you) should probably get up and take the lid off the burner. Otherwise, this theoretical situation could turn into a very real mess of shattered glasss. And thus, we are left with a pot without a lid. But you wouldn’t do that, I’m sure.

I’m giving it to you straight: I’ve only used this sauce pan once: for melting chocolate. Because I’m a good little girl and I read the stupid user manual, I knew to only use low to medium heat on this thing. Turns out, Emeril knows his shit. The chocolate melted wonderfully, only needing an occasional stir from my end to prevent burning. And really how can I complain when the house smells like melting chocolate? Impossible, yes, impossible my good sirs.

I don’t watch Emeril, but now that I have his pot I’m–BAM!– destined for cooking greatness. Without all the dead meat and lard and such.

Overall, this is a high-quality professional sauce pan that has–for all the worry warts out there–a life time guarantee. Although I don’t know how much I’ll use it due to its small size, it’s a worthy investment for future cooking endeavors.

And now, DOMO TAKE-OVER!

Product Review: Amy’s Thai Coconut Soup

Glory be, I actually posted today without succumbing to a survey cop-out post; that’s Sunday’s post though, don’t worry your little heads. Sorry for the lateness of the post (with two mere hours left of Wednesday), my mood, the crap writing et cetera et cetera. I’m not in the mood to crank out clever witticisms when the fact of the matter is I’m sitting on the couch, feeling bloaty and engorged after eating an embarassing amount of chocolate while testing a new recipe (to be posted soon!). As any other pretentious writer worth their stuff, I take pride in the twisting and turning of the bounty of the English language to suit my fancies. Tonight I simply do not possess sufficient energy for such a feat as “creativity.”

I have a case of the “fuck-its” (2:30), to channel the hilarity of voice-extraordinaire/comedian/classic SNL cast member Dana Carvey .

So on to the point of the post: Amy’s Volcano Orange Bubble soup or more commonly known as Amy’s Thai Coconut Soup “made with organic coconut milk, shiitake mushrooms, and sweet potatoes.” Sounds good, amiright? WRONG-O.

I knew something was up up when I microwaved the soup and it looked, to be disgustingly frank, like something found swirling in a toilet bowel after a night of one too many margaritas.  To add on top of that lovely description, my microwave made it do this weird bubble shit that blew my mind: oconut milk no likey the microwave. Common sense told me to throw the putrid orange contents down the sink, but no, I was on a mission. Eyes turned away, I hesitantly ladled a spoonful up to my brave lips and slurped the hot glop down my throat.  The things I do for you guys, I swear; you best be grateful.

I have to start out by saying it was cloyingly sweet, but not in a good way; that must have been the alleged sweet potato in action. What really puzzled me was the odd wateriness of the soup- wouldn’t the (blended, I’m assuming) potato thicken it up? But no, it was as thin as any other other veggie broth except in new orange version. Even as a diehard for all things carrot, pumpkin, sweet potato, and other beta-carotene goodness, I was genuinely creeped out. ORANGE WATER IN MY SOUP IS NO GOOD.

Doesn’t it just look like orange cat sick with some veggies thrown in? Sorry to be blunt, Amy, but the truth hurts m’dear.

The paltry amount of ingredients makes me certain there is a vegetable shortage at the Amy’s Kitchen factory. Are carrots, mushrooms, and green beans delicacies in the frozen foods industry? This soup was definitely not cheap, almost $4, so I expect a hearty soup full of veggies, dammit! Instead I find this contents of soup inards: mushy, flavorless yuck.

Without spooning up any veggies to the surface it could easily be mistaken as some sort of sad excuse for a science experiment gone awry. The veggies lurk in the darkeness, and even more frightening: clumpy beige nuggets of mock “chicken” crawl into every other spoonful, sneaky-like. If I wanted tastless bits of rubber in my soup, I’d add them myself thank you.

Picture after picture in my photo shoot led to disappointment, frustration, and, a word grossly overused in this entry, disgust. This soup simply defies delicious representation by photograph; every shot turned out worse than the previous. What’s really sad is the pictures posted I deemed “passably bad.” Surely a telling clue from the food porn gods– I should have known right then and there.

In some faraway universe, the appetizing picture on the can replaces the mess inside. Someone take me to that land, for I crave a yummy Thai soup and, while you’re at, my $4 back so I can spend it on some chocolate. Mmmmm chocolate. Mmm dinner. I’m hungry.

Product Review: Silk Nog

I’m gonna lay it all on the table: I’ve never had “real” egg nog (because all vegan food is fake, obvs) and even as a pregan the idea of drinking raw egg has always been… disturbing, to put it lightly. Fucking disgusting, to put it rudely. So it was with conflicted anticipation that I decided to put down some cash for the seasonal Silk Nog soymilk.

I needn’t have ben worried because this stuff is yummy yummy in my tummy. Notes of cinnamon, cloves, and and nutmeg lace the milk throughout. The head honchos over at Silk suggest grated nutmeg over it, which kinda sounds like nutmeg overkill to me. I say a splash of a nice quality spirit would be better, but that’s the drunk girl in me talking.

Fun little factoid: too much nutmeg can get ya high. No kidding, a couple of my (not-so-smart) friends did this, in junior high no less. The idea being that it was easier to obtain nutmeg from their kitchen spice rack than the usual cannabis greenery. Don’t want to enforce sexist gender norms, but it’s pretty obvious this was the thinking process of two *brilliant* guys. I’m almost tempted to recreate their experience, but then I remember that their fun little recreational drug activity ended in the ER. Yahhhp, I’m good.

(The more you know…)

Overall it’s a sweet, smooth nut milk and a very addicting one at that. I’m not a huge soymilk person so that’s saying something. Usually it tastes too “beany” to me but this Nog has none of that weird soybean aftertaste I loathe. I’m still a little creeped out by its yellow coloring, but perhaps it’s an attempt by the Silk scientists to make it look “eggy” or some nonsense. Psh.

Other new seasonal Silk flavors I’m dying to get my paws on: Mint Chocolate and Pumpkin Spice. And don’t miss the head-to-head comparison of all three flavors over at The Laziest Vegans in the World, complete with multiple tester commentary.

Vegan Mofo Week 2 is go!

Product Review: Sweet & Sara Cinnamon Pecan Marshmallows

Oh lordy, these are deeeee-vine. Sweet & Sara Marshmallows are one of those products that I simply have to buy on the rare, relished trip to Whole Foods. No ifs, ands, or buts about it, these babies are flung without abandon into my (most likely stuffed to the brim) cart. No matter that they’re $7.99, no matter that they’re basically puffs of pure sugar, ain’t no matter no sir. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if you’re going to splurge, why not on something that nourishes your body? Although I know the vegan health nazis are scoffing at this point, at least there’s no artificial ingredients, the ubiquitious high fructose corn syrup that haunts my nightmares (it’s in eeeeeeverything!), or the truly terrifying and very un-vegan gelatin. Come to thing of it, how does anything with boiled animal bones as its main ingredient qualify as “yummy” in any sense of the word? A question for the jello and/or marshmallow masters of marketing.

Cinnamon Pecan Sweet & Sara marshmallows are, dare I say it, even more decadent and out-of-this-world delicious than the original variety. Topped with small pecan pieces and a healthy drizzling of cinnamon-sugar, one of these puffy pillows is enough to satisify even the most crazed sweet tooth. Each one is perfectly light and airy, with a luscious texture similar to “normal” marshmallows but, as one of my omni friends said, much better.

I found myself sucking on each marshie for a good 5 minutes, allowing each and every sugary morsel to dissolve on my tongue as I dreamed of unicorns, rainbows, and…Joaquin Phoenix. But back to reality! Bliss in a marshmallow. And in the words of kooky Project Runway designer Daniel Franco, follow your bliss.

These are truly gourmet confections by a company that obviously cares about its customer base. Each marshmallow is handmade and handpackaged, as you can see in this Food Network clip about the S’mores-making process. A bit off-topic, but mondo-yays all around for a vegan company feature on meat-central, Paula Deen-buttery Food Network! That’s progress, y’all.

My how I would love to try all the other varieties of Sweet & Sara marshmallows, but lack of funds, as usual, trumps my foodie aspirations. But can you imagine? Strawberry, Toasted Coconut, Peanut Butter S’mores, Pumpkin Spice, Chocolate freaking Peppermint! I’m dyin’ here.

Product Review: Tempt Coffee Biscotti Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert

When it comes to vegan ice cream, there’s so many options it’s often overwhelming when perusing the Whole Foods frozen foods  aisle. My sense of vegan exploration propels me to try new flavors, but eventually the pragmatist in me simply scans the shelves for the one on sale. Sadly, the latest and greatest in “non-dairy frozen dessert” never seem to be on sale. C’est la vie.

That’s where Tempt Coffee Biscotti Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert comes in. I’ve been in quite the love affair with the Tempt Chocolate Fudge flavor for many moons. Its rich fudgey goodness is the pinnacle of chocolate ice cream decadence. Although our relationship hit a rocky bump when I had a short fling with a coconut milk-based ice cream, things are on the up and up. That’s why it pains me greatly to say that Chocolate Fudge has some new competition in town: Coffee Biscotti has stolen my heart.

This flavor has the intense richness I’ve come to associate with hemp milk based ice creams and, as an added bonus, yummy little tokens of chocolate coffee biscotti sprinkled throughout. I’ve never before had a particular affinity for biscotti, but I can now confidently say I’m pro-biscotti all the way. The t-shirts are coming on Monday.

Be assured that the Starbucks-addicted person in your life will appreciate this. The coffee flavor is not overwhelming, juuuuust right. With a smooth creamy texture, it’s not quite like dairy ice cream but fantastic on its own standards.

This is the dessert destined for those nights where you want to lay on the couch all sloth-like, eat embarrassing amounts of fatty food, and forget all those pesky responsibilities and the skinny jeans calling. I myself meant to photograph it in a proper bowel, but why dirty a perfectly clean bowel when there’s a spoon handy, ya’knowwhui’msayun?

It is a pathetic little excuse of a carton, but I managed to restrain my gluttony and get 4 servings out of it. Admittedly, it wasn’t what I would call cheap, but at least a dollar cheaper than my favorite coconut milk brand. I figure that if I’m going to spend money on something, it might as well be on quality food. Good health and all that (she says as she eats the sugar-filled ice cream).

I’m thinking next time I might have to buy both the Chocolate Fudge and Coffee Biscotti flavors and really go to town. I can only imagine the yum factor…

Product Review: So Delicious Coconut Milk Chocolate Yogurt

I’ve been meaning to try this product for a while and I have to admit I’m quite late in terms of blogging about it. I’ve never been a huge yogurt person, but I’ve found that since becoming vegan I’m more open to trying new things. So when I saw this little baby at Sprouts Market, I splurged in the name of vegan experimentation.

Let me start off by saying that if you’re looking for a vegan replacement for the infamous Yoplait, this it sure ain’t! It’s chocolately goodness, sure, but with a far different texture and aftertaste than the yucky gelatin crap you can buy at Walmart for 59 cents. While we’re on the subject of price, this little yogurt was pretty damn expensive. I’m no prude when it comes to spending money on food, but $2.59 for one little cup of yogurt is straight-up ridic. I understand the “reasons”: it’s a high-quality, organic product for a niche market from an independent company. The sad part is, though, it wasn’t really worth the money.

When I first opened it up, it looked… well… I’ll be honest: it looked pretty disgusting. It had weird bits of globs and gunk that yogurt is just not supposed to have! Texture wise, it was scary.

But once I stirred it up with a spoon *voila!* the yogurt was transformed into an edible substance. It sucks I didn’t realize this sooner. Note to folks over at So Delicious: put instructions to stir the product before eating!

Taste-wise, the chocolate flavor was off. It was too much cocoa with a coconut milk aftertaste. If you don’t like coconut, this is definitely not for you. It’s also too sweet and I like sweet. It wasn’t like it was the worst yogurt ever, but it really didn’t do it for me. I could only finish half of it before putting it in the fridge for later. Although to be fair, it wasn’t bad in this awesome smoothie. It might be awesome in baked goods too- something to try for later.

The bottom line: It’s just too expensive to buy on a regular basis. I wouldn’t turn it down, but it’s something that I likely won’t buy again.

Product Review: Trader Joe’s Lentil Vegetable Soup

Another product review today, but this time it’s the TJs organic lentil soup that I picked up on a whim a few days ago. I’m pretty sure this is an Amy’s product repackaged with the Trader Joe’s label, but with the added bonus of being a buck cheaper! I know this isn’t a new product, but it’s still a good vegan product to promote.

Overall, this soup was good. I would say it was a bit lacking in the spice department, but that may be due to my extreme preference for all things spicy. Not to say that it was bad- not in the slightest. My crusty Italian bread really paired well with the hearty lentils and tender vegetables swimming in the tasty broth. For soup from a can, this was pretty damn tasty! And I really couldn’t ask for a simpler lunch as all I had to do was dump the contents of the can into a bowel and nuke it for 2-3 minutes. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

I think I might experiment with making my own lentil soup soon as I have a tiny little bag of lentils that are just begging to be used. But for now, this soup works for me!

On an unrelated note, I am so excited for tonight! I might get a home-cooked vegan meal from the talented Jen over at Veganize It… Don’t Criticize It! . Updates tomorrow…